He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
