its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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