and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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