You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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