The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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