I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
