you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
