when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
