the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
