you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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