I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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