who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
