yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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