12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
