watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
