I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
