And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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