My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
