My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
