I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
