ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
