I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize