I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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