Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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