god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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