this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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