Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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