If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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