I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
