If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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