i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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