if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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