Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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