I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish my penis had an off switch
i just had sex bonerless
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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