I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
