I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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