I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
