that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
im on a boat
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