haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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