after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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