im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
