your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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