my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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