if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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