If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
