I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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