He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
