I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
