i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
