In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
