I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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