Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
