im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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