Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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