and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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