Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
