This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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